I suppose I should start this off by saying not every plus-sized girl has had the same dating experience as I have had. Plenty of women have found it somewhat easy to date. My sister, Kate, was married at 20 (Yea, we both look back at that like DAMN, you were YOUNG!). My other sister, Jo, had met her husband at 21, but what about the rest of us not-so-early bloomers in the dating world? I’ve always been a little leery of dating. I’ve gone through similar problems that other girls have gone through: guys who treat you badly, men who only want a physical relationship (which I never gave in to). For the last couple of years of high school and the early years of college I was head over heels for a guy we’ll call Mark. Mark was charismatic, flirtatious, and made you feel like you were the only girl in the room. The problem? He did this with many girls, including some of my closest friends, and for a majority of the time he had a girl friend. Why, oh why, did I like this guy? Because he was the only guy to give me attention. I feel lucky that I was able to snap out of my delusions about Mark, but at what price did this time of lusting come at? I still have issues believing that men will want anything further than a physical relationship with me. For so long I have encountered the man that wants to be with the fat girl, but not show the world that he IS with the fat girl. This hit on my self-esteem has definitely left me reeling into years of issues with self-worth, hatful feelings towards men, and in general a lack of trust in the goodness of people. I cannot count the number of guys I have talked to or gone on dates with that have either treated me bad or cut it after the first date because of my size.
The good news? Things do get better, as long as you don’t let yourself be trampled on by ill-intentioned men. There are good ones out there, but it took me a long time to believe it. I recently rejoined an online dating website. I’ve definitely had to sift through the guys who were not there to get to know me and only wanted to “hook-up,” but the experience seems to be getting better. A guy has just recently started to talk to me on there. I could tell he was different the minute we started corresponding. He really has taken the time to slow down to get to know me. Compliments me on my looks and other qualities. Does not qualify any compliments by “although you’re chubby,” “I’m not attracted to fat people, but…” I hope things progress with him in a very positive way. But if somehow it doesn’t go further, I still have hope that someone will fall in love with me, because I’m finally falling in love with myself.
Picture from The Museum of Fat Love:
I have hope!
Sorry if I’ve gotten all corny on you all, but I’m starting to realize that I’m just not as scared now that I’ve accepted myself, my body. Have any of you tried the online dating scene? Any big hits or misses?
I didn’t meet my husband through online dating – he was a colleague of a friend. But I did go through all the things you’ve been through before I met him. I consider the reason I finally found a guy who likes me for who I am because I finally liked who I was! Confidence is a massive help!
That really seems to be the key. Otherwise how can you properly open up to a significant other if you’re constantly hiding/devaluing yourself. Thanks for the comment 🙂
I have PLENTY of experience, online or otherwise. I’ve been looking for love for the longest time, maybe because i am a romanticist at heart. I read romantic novels, I watch romantic movies, i listen to romantic crooning songs and i wear romantic clothes and probably breathe only romantic air if it even exists. Now that can rather distort what is real and what is not but I am also lucky to be born with a practical vein and years of experience gradually inculcated a cynical side.
I realize men love me. Yes they do – they love the way I talk, they love how I am funny, they love that I make them laugh and I can also be interesting out of clothes, shoes talk BUT they don’t want to be in a relationship with me. Some of them found me sexy and are willing to cheat without their girlfriends’ knowledge but they never once said they want to break up with their girlfriends to be with me (not that I want them to. It’s just a general observation that they don’t).
It sets me in motion to think what could be wrong with me. Could it be because they think i am commitment-phobic? Could it be because i give them the wrong impression that I am just looking for fun? I have always emphasized that i am looking for a real relationship. It didn’t take long for me to realize that they don’t want to be with a fat girl. As much as the truth hurts but i justified that even if i am slim, i am not going to stay slim forever, i am going to get wrinkles and i can never compete with the endless stream of young girls. If these men can talk about having an “affair” with me without guilt to their partners, i don’t want to be with them even if they offer a relationship.
Men i met over the internet are generally untrustworthy. Please please be careful. There are some who seemed really genuine but they disappear after a while, leaving behind a trail of broken hearts. I’ve met an asshole at a coffee place before and he was so distracted by the other women walking in and out that he didn’t realize I’ve stopped talking and was glaring at him and he couldn’t wait to leave! There were a few who were just in for the sex. There were some others but they were too caught up with how successful they are that it becomes unbearably self-centred.
In the end, i hooked up with a man whom i’ve known for over three years as friends and he was secretly in love with me without telling me and he finally let me know subtly when we were watching World Cup together. We just started going out not too long ago but it does seem to work quite well.
All the best and we CAN find men who can love us for us!
It seems that we have a lot of similar experiences. Majority of the men that seem interested in me have girlfriends, and I would never want to be with someone who would do that. It just continually cultivates a distrust in men in general. I also went on a date once where the guy ran into someone he knew (after only sitting with me for 5 minutes) and talked with them for 40 minutes while I sat there nibbling at my sandwich. I asked for my check and paid before he even gave two minutes of time towards me, and then seemed surprised I was leaving. I have hope that one day I will find a good man, but I am determined that I’d rather be alone than be in a relationship just for the sake of wanting a relationship. Thank you for the lovely comment, and I will definitely be careful :).
Yes, rather be alone and happy even if falling into the general stereotype of having a cat and knitting on a rocking chair than to conform into a relationship with you as the giver and the partner as the leech. I was alone for a very very long time before now although I .. uh… sometimes have “buddies” to keep the loneliness at bay. The thing about having “buddies” is that sometimes you wake up feeling lonelier than ever and what’s supposed to make you feel better ended up making you feel worse so i stopped it after awhile.
I just started occupying myself with friends and books and films and music to distract myself although it is kind of depressing to have all my close friends married and having kids before i do. The nice thing about waiting is that when one finally comes along, you learn to appreciate the relationship and not take it for granted.
Hope to hear more dating stories whether good or bad!