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Yellowing Trees

August 31, 2011

Every year I get incredibly excited for the fall season to arrive. It’s my favorite time of the year because of the local festivals, cool weather, cheery holidays, and of course fall fashion. I got a little ahead of myself and bought clothing for fall that is mostly too warm to wear at the moment :(, but today as I was driving down the highway to class through the Piedmont region of North Carolina, I saw yellowing trees: the true promise that fall is coming.

For most people, fall is the signal that the year is coming to a close, but for me fall has always been the marker of a new beginning (spending my entire adult life thus far in academia has knocked a few things off course, including my sense of time ;)). A year ago I was beginning graduate school, crying to my mother every night that I was doing the wrong thing, doubting my intelligence, and feeling generally pretty damn lonely. A year later not every thing has changed, but my perspective of where I’m heading has evolved into a much more happy place. I’ve been slowly allowing this blogging space, the FA movement, and body politics to leak into my “real” life.

More and more of my friends and acquaintances are finding this place, my safe place, and it’s scary. I guess I haven’t fully gotten over the “but they’ll make fun of me” mentality that has ruled my actions/opinions/dress for so long. I’m also incorporating this passion in my academic life, first with my Huge essay, and now with fully considering writing a thesis or project on blogging for social justice, and possibly looking directly at this community that I adore.

Regardless of where I go with this is my academic life, the boundaries of my blog are changing, and I think that really gets down to the root of my hesitancy to write and to continue to post photos. A few weeks ago, my photo was featured in a Jolie.de slideshow that garnered both positive and negative comments, but for whatever reason I really allowed those negative comments with my increasing insecurity about IRL people reading my blog get the best of me.

I checked the article today and saw a new comment at the top of the list. It said, “Thank you- – for your self-confidence and your marvellous style!” It was simple, and it was so nice. It was exactly what I needed to hear to remind myself of the bigger picture. The bigger picture is that one year ago I felt lost. I felt lost until I stumbled on some amazing blogs by fat women that completely turned upside down the thoughts I had about myself, my body, and my role in the world. It reminded me of the first few weeks I found those blogs, where I could barely turn my head away from the screen because it was such a revolutionary idea that fat women could be happy… could celebrate themselves and support one another. That commenter gave me a reality check, one that said get back up, leave behind the insecurities, and do what you love. This started out as a post about sweaters I bought, seriously. I guess I needed to get off my chest that this space makes me nervous sometimes. That I still have moments where I’m willing to hold myself back from fully experiencing things, but that I’m not willing to let go of that moment of recognition in the fact that my life, my ideas about myself, can be better than I’ve ever imagined.

Thanks for sticking around.

8 Comments leave one →
  1. September 1, 2011 1:21 am

    this post is so inspirational! you should post personal entries more often! ❤

    • September 22, 2011 7:19 pm

      Thank you, Mimi! I always wonder how people react to them because they can be scary to write. I appreciate your kind words :)!

  2. Tanja permalink
    September 1, 2011 1:39 am

    I love your style. You are really beautyful. 🙂

    Tanja (from Germany)

  3. September 1, 2011 10:50 pm

    I have the same insecurities about my blog, granted mine is mostly about my addiction to nail polish. I’ll post an OOTD every so often but I always seem to do so with fear and trepidation… I can’t help but to have negative thoughts go through my mind. Will this cause my thin followers to stop following me? Will it spark some sort of tirade about my weight and how it’s destroying the American medical system? Will someone take this as the go ahead to belittle everything about me because they don’t like how I look? It sucks but then I’m reminded of beautiful girls like yourself that are taking a stand against the status quo of what’s acceptable in fashion. I love what you do and you’re very inspiring… don’t forget that!

  4. satchirel permalink
    September 3, 2011 4:55 am

    I’m really happy that you found back to your acquired self-confidence and self-estimation : ). I also saw the outfit post on jolie.de and honestly I really don’t think you should take those negative comments to heart. I understand German perfectly well and even under the pictures of “normally sized” women the people commenting on that site left the same amount of negative comments… and it’s amazing how doubting our physical appearance can even give rise to doubts about our mental abilities even though there’s NO relation at all. So just keep going with your stuff and that thesis about blogging for social justice sounds really interesting : ).

    • September 22, 2011 7:23 pm

      Thanks, girl! I’ve honestly been lucky in puting off encountering negativity like that for so long! It’s a distant memory now, but the positive stuff is always on the forefront of my mind. Thanks for commenting!

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