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It’s Not Always Easy to Remember

May 20, 2012

“I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being.” ― Hafez

When I first started reading fat fashion and/or acceptance blogs, I thought that these women “had” it. They had confidence. They had acceptance. And maybe most days they did. But I didn’t realize how much constant work it is to think positively about your self and your body. It’s in flux, never fully “there” but always in movement. The final few weeks of the semester were a stressful whirlwind. I put on some weight and I was closing a chapter of my “school life” that had been very positive for me. I was being really harsh about my body (especially about my fuller arms), and I was only wearing clothing that hid me away. I stopped blogging and stopped wanting to see pictures of myself. I felt like I had lost every bit of confidence I had gained over the past couple years. Of course, then the guilt would begin that I was feeling this way. But these kinds of dips happen, and it’s not always easy for me to remember that I have to work to feel great about myself. As much as I have learned and accepted, I still sometimes need to remember that I have to think and say kind things about myself to feel that way, and that hiding myself away only works against it. So for that, I’m sorry that I disappeared. Luckily I had a trip to visit my aunt, who lives at a school for the intellectually disabled, and spending time with her and the other students at the school helped ground me back into a positive place.

A group of students singing a song for all the families attending

My Aunt Kim with one of the horses at the schools’ equestrian center

My aunt driving a horse

I’ll be back to somewhat normal posts soon. I hope you are all doing well!

36 Comments leave one →
  1. May 20, 2012 11:21 am

    My dear friend, I am so grateful that you have ur Aunt Kim & can join in with the students @ her school, because -indeed! – it restored your perspective! and thank you for sharing it w/ all of us!!! Much needed for me to read 🙂

    • May 25, 2012 10:53 pm

      Thank YOU, Jeannee, for always having an encouraging comment when I need one. I appreciate you 🙂

  2. May 20, 2012 11:43 am

    I’m so glad to see you are back. I really enjoy reading your posts and so admire your style, so I’ve missed you!! I’m sorry you had a confidence set back. Personally, I think you are very beautiful and have tons of reasons to be proud of yourself. Glad to see you blogging again!

    • May 25, 2012 10:54 pm

      Thanks, Amy! I tend to have a bit of depression when I’m in moments of great change. Luckily I have lots of blogger buddies to help me out 🙂

  3. Izabelle permalink
    May 20, 2012 12:53 pm

    You are beautiful. And you deserve to feel that way about yourself. 😀

  4. May 20, 2012 1:09 pm

    We all have those moments, but I’ve noticed mine tie in with other factors – oftens ones I have no control over. So I tend to focus in on my poor old body! I recognise it now so it’s easier to move on from. You’ll find that too. Good to have you back!

    • May 25, 2012 10:55 pm

      I think you are so right, Claire. Lots of change in my life/uncertainty. I need to not be so hard on myself. Thanks for the welcome 🙂

  5. May 20, 2012 2:12 pm

    I’m glad you’re back. I’ve missed your blog. I’m glad you’ve had the strength and the courage to go in search of your self-love.

  6. Elena permalink
    May 20, 2012 3:13 pm

    heyhey – I think you can´t know that I´m reading your blog – but I´m also glad that you´re back! il live in germany – so you´re almost famous 😉 …! I´m also in the last weeks of studiing..so i know how you feel – weight ist almost the same as yours! (and i also gained quite a lot the weeks ago!! thanks chocolate…) keep your had high! Elena.

    • Elena permalink
      May 20, 2012 3:36 pm

      sorry: head not had!

    • May 25, 2012 10:56 pm

      Almost famous?! hahah love that! Thank you for the fun comment, Elena. It’s always nice to hear from readers.

  7. Denisa Dellinger permalink
    May 20, 2012 5:46 pm

    Man, these struggles we have in life cause us to strive to be better and make better decisions. I am struggling with my weight issue now as well. I don’t like my flabby arms too. Stress will add lots of self doubt and weight. Big changes are coming for you and I know they will be good. We all struggle with the unknown. We like to stay the same, but that is not what life is about. Welcome back to blogland. It looks like you had fun with your aunt. You are so beautiful in the pictures. Don’t ever believe you aren’t beautiful. Your eyes and smile are the window of your soul. Look at yourself through the eyes of your friends, unsteady as we are, We know a good thing when we see it.

    • May 20, 2012 11:12 pm

      Denisa, you have written beautifully exactly what I feel. “Welcome back to blogland. It looks like you had fun with your aunt. You are so beautiful in the pictures. Don’t ever believe you aren’t beautiful. Your eyes and smile are the window of your soul. Look at yourself through the eyes of your friends, unsteady as we are, We know a good thing when we see it.”

      That’s really good powerful beautifully cadenced writing. I’m glad to be able to borrow it by just typing “ditto.”

    • May 25, 2012 10:58 pm

      Thank you, thank you, thank you, Denisa! It’s so true that often we can’t see ourselves in as clear of focus as the ones who love us can see us. I appreciate all of your support and friendship!

  8. May 20, 2012 6:02 pm

    Rebecca, you’re absolutely GORGEOUS. Don’t *ever* forget that!

  9. Maria permalink
    May 21, 2012 7:32 am

    Sorry you have been feeling blue… We all have our moments of insecurity and self doubt, including svelte women. You will find lots of support from your readers, cause we have all been there. I am very glad you are once again blogging!!! 🙂

  10. May 21, 2012 9:50 am

    I think the most important thing to remember is that even the most beautiful and successful people still get down on themselves every now and then. It’s human and it sucks but even my size 6 friends get body conscious!

    I think you’ve done the perfect thing- time out for yourself is exactly what you needed 🙂
    I used to always put weight on in exam time, and of course it’s just another thing that I ended up worrying about. But I figure my body changes constantly- the fact I have amazing friends, a fantastic family and an active social life won’t- no matter how fat I am! But it always took ‘me time’ for me to realise how much I really mattered and a few extra kilos didn’t!

    You are so gorgeous inside and out Bec and we have missed you!!!! Xxxx

    • May 25, 2012 11:14 pm

      Thank you, Olivia! You are so right. It’s very rarely really about my body, but somehow that becomes the thing I can pick on myself about.

  11. May 21, 2012 7:35 pm

    I’ve been going through this lately too. It is such a constant struggle to think positively and turn that negativity around. Sometimes I get exhausted and fall back into the bad habits of being mean to me. I was telling my husband this weekend, I spent 25 years being told by my mom, brother, stepmom, grandma, people at school, guys, magazines, movies, television, etc. that I was a disgusting, fat, worthless person and I believed it after a while.

    I can’t change that kind of damage overnight. I have to remind myself that too. I like instant results and I get down on myself when something isn’t better immediately. It is definitely a process.

    Just know that you aren’t alone and that plenty of people can see how beautiful and amazing you are, even when you can’t.

    • May 25, 2012 11:15 pm

      It’s definitely a process! I appreciate your thoughtful comment 🙂 We’re all pretty fantastic!

  12. May 21, 2012 10:03 pm

    Hey pretty girl, I know how you feel! I’ve been out of work for a year now and barely leave my sweats and tees. And when I do, I lack the confidence to take pictures and exude confidence, so I usually end up back in sweats. :/ It is definitely a process and takes an effort to remind ourselves how beautiful we are. It helps to have blogging friends in the same boat!

    • May 25, 2012 11:16 pm

      Amy, it definitely does! The out of work thing has to be incredibly hard. I’m so happy for you that you are choosing positivity and doing your cards on Etsy. We will both have to keep working on confidence!

  13. Mia permalink
    May 22, 2012 2:15 am

    You are a hardworking and beautiful woman and that is a big inspiration to me! Your blog helps me to feel confident and Im here reading every day. I am glad you are back.

    Love from Mia

    • May 25, 2012 11:20 pm

      Thank you so much, Mia! It’s so great to hear that you enjoy it and get something from my writing. Means a lot!

  14. May 22, 2012 10:12 am

    Reading your beautifully worded post nearly brought me to tears. I too know what its like to feel like youve lost all that youve gained. Im glad being with your aunt and being with her students helped you to ground yourself. Welcome back to blogland. I was missing your awesome posts!

    • May 25, 2012 11:21 pm

      Thank you so much! I honestly did not expect such heartfelt feedback, and it just reminds me again how important blogging is for me to connect with amazing people and to grow from those connections.

  15. Naomi permalink
    May 22, 2012 1:32 pm

    Hun, I totally understand this as I feel I am going through it at the moment. I really shocked Mr Naomi a few days ago when I disclosed to him how bad I was feeling about myself, he couldn’t understand how how ‘happy, confident, beautiful girlfriend’ could feel that way. I had to tell him ‘because I work hard to make myself feel good, to not let the world get to me’. I am working on it again now, and I will get there, but I am so glad you are feeling good again! You are beautiful and should be so proud of yourself! Lots of love

    Naomi x

    • May 25, 2012 11:25 pm

      We will both get our confidence again! I appreciate you sharing your own struggles with me, Naomi. I think the exact same of you! xx

  16. May 23, 2012 12:41 am

    I have been following your blog ever since I found you on pinterest. I just wanted to say that you are one of the most beautiful women I have seen online and anywhere, for that matter. You have given me a confidence just by seeing your sweet smiling face. I am plus sized; I have been for as long as I can remember. I have dealt with fluctuating weight. I have been there, done that, as they say. I have been so inspired by your posts (and other blogs) to see that you are embracing your beautiful selves. Don’t let anything rock that awesome confidence that you have. Keep bringing on the posts and your beautiful self!!! ❤

    • May 25, 2012 11:25 pm

      Thank you so much, Mary! And I’m glad you found me (and I you!). I’m going to go check out your blog now 🙂

  17. May 23, 2012 12:43 am

    Unfortunately, my bank account has seen a hit after visiting all of the blogs – I’ve been a shopping fiend and embracing looking BEAUTIFUL anytime I leave the house. I may be fat, but that doesn’t mean I can’t dress nicely!! 🙂 Have a good day, hon.

  18. June 9, 2012 3:40 am

    I’m catching up with my blog reading after moving house and all that. I am so glad you are back blogging again. It is hard, and while it looks like a lot of activists have got it all together, none of us do. We’re all blundering away at this as best we can, and sometimes it’s really hard and we need to take a step back and just regroup. Sometimes we need to lean on our community a bit and have someone help, or show they care.

    If I can help, you know where to find me. And I do care. Very much so.

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