It’s Not Always Easy to Remember

“I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being.” ― Hafez

When I first started reading fat fashion and/or acceptance blogs, I thought that these women “had” it. They had confidence. They had acceptance. And maybe most days they did. But I didn’t realize how much constant work it is to think positively about your self and your body. It’s in flux, never fully “there” but always in movement. The final few weeks of the semester were a stressful whirlwind. I put on some weight and I was closing a chapter of my “school life” that had been very positive for me. I was being really harsh about my body (especially about my fuller arms), and I was only wearing clothing that hid me away. I stopped blogging and stopped wanting to see pictures of myself. I felt like I had lost every bit of confidence I had gained over the past couple years. Of course, then the guilt would begin that I was feeling this way. But these kinds of dips happen, and it’s not always easy for me to remember that I have to work to feel great about myself. As much as I have learned and accepted, I still sometimes need to remember that I have to think and say kind things about myself to feel that way, and that hiding myself away only works against it. So for that, I’m sorry that I disappeared. Luckily I had a trip to visit my aunt, who lives at a school for the intellectually disabled, and spending time with her and the other students at the school helped ground me back into a positive place.