I decided to wear shorts to school on Thursday. That’s a pretty simple statement, right? But it was not a simple act.
I very rarely wear shorts in public, which is kind of odd since I feel fine in a dress or skirt. I don’t think I’ve worn shorts to school since I was in elementary school, and those of my friends who have seen me in shorts over the years probably did so by accident or because of insane heat.
Mid-way through my 45 minute long drive to school, insecurity crept in. It wasn’t just the typical fidgety and constant pulling at the hem of my shorts kind either. It was the “where is the closest plus-size store so I can buy pants, a dress, ANYTHING” kind of insecurity.
I found myself risking being late for class (and a possible depletion of my bank account) to make an emergency run to Lane Bryant. True to my in-store shopping luck, I searched all through the store for jeans, any jeans, that were my size. I found one, ONE, pair of jeans, and whisked myself into the dressing room. As I pulled them up, my insecurity grew. I realized these jeans were not going to fit me properly. I stood there staring at myself in the mirror and hating every inch of me.
I was defeated. I flung off the jeans in a rage and forced back on my shorts, vowing to never trick myself into wearing them to school again.
I had to talk myself into going to class. I had to talk myself into walking without my eyes glued to the floor.
When I got into my class, fellow students smiled and said hello. Believe it or not, class went on and the world did not stop. When I walked back to my car, I made myself look at those who were passing me, and none of them gave a damn that I was wearing shorts.
I felt silly: silly for letting insecurity get to me, silly for letting one article of clothing send me into a tizzy, and silly for not facing my insecurity head on from the start.
I’ve been thinking a lot about that experience, because it was truly the first time since blogging/FA that insecurity stopped me in my tracks, and I decided to get back in the shorts and make it right with myself. When I put them on today, I loved them. The shorts hadn’t changed, but I had, and I will continue to do so to work towards accepting myself.
I’m sure you’re all like, “Okay, Rebecca, enough and get to the damn pictures!” So, I will… 🙂
Jacket: Lane Bryant
Top: Old Navy (Last Year)
Shorts: Old Navy
Ring: Target (No longer available)
Today, I’m happy.