Is this a mid-thirties identity crisis or growth?

I like a set path. A destination to work toward. For the last.. well damn.. 16 years, I have been working forward in my career in education. The path has shifted from time to time, but it’s followed a curved line to my current work of teaching writing and research to university students. I’ve been involved in some type of school without a break since I was in kindergarten. So much of my identity is wrapped up in academics, not my grades or the courses I’ve taken, but the community, peer-to-peer support, values of curiosity and questioning of authority, and the fostering of creativity and innovation.

And now? I’m ready to walk away.

One of my reoccurring nightmares is that I’m back in college to get a new degree, and I realize that I have quit my job and cannot afford to house myself. There’s always this moment of me being excited by the new prospect of learning and living in a new town. Sometimes I’m trying to find my classes, and other times I’m looking for an apartment. Then, BAM, realization: you’re broke, honey, and you’re never ever going to get that job back at the university.

Security and stability has ruled my life over the past decade. Learning to be responsible has made me a little fearful of failure. My anxiety is comforted by knowing exactly what’s expected of me and being able to meet that. The danger with this is that comfort can turn into stagnancy, to disengagement, to a mid-thirties identity crisis.

I’ve known for the past 2 years that my current career trajectory does not offer me any further growth. I started thinking about what I loved most about my job, and so much of it was part of my directing position in our writing center. It was the recruiting, training, mentoring, planning events and projects. I decided to pursue further education in Human Resources, so now I’m dipping a toe in the corporate waters. I’ve been applying and applying and applying. And? Nothing. One interview, I suppose. But it felt like a nothing.

There’s nothing more humbling than being a 10 year veteran professional and no one wanting you in for an interview.

Sometimes we can be mentally prepared for a change, and life just isn’t ready to move there yet. I’m learning to be patient. I’m trying to soften myself to my current career, lean back in where I find it meaningful, and avoid the real danger of quiet quitting.

It’s rough out here, y’all, but I’ll find my way.